Let’s start this conversation with a simple and seemingly naive question – what is the shame? This word, one has only to read or hear, has given rise to certain associations – images, sensations in the body, some sounds that we can hear. And certainly, the Association of these how can I put this gently… not very pleasant. Each of us knows from experience that there is a shame. It is important to understand that some researchers (K.’isard-he won point, for example) is referred to the basic human emotions, and some – no (say, by P. Ekman) In our opinion, shame is not innate, but formed by the reaction. Children, unfortunately, are taught to be ashamed of. Moreover, some
parents make it so hard that the consequences then have to deal with a range of specialists ranging from psychologists and psychotherapists – and to physicians. But more on that later.
Speak directly and without equivocation: even the most “successful” in this case the parents are shamed children not because they ’ s parents ’ s “bad”, but because it is, I may say, “tradition”. So educate them, they sincerely believe that shame – it is an objective necessity of education, the question of such necessity is not – and they act based on those beliefs. However, the tradition makes sense from time to time to revise. The ability to critically look at a phenomenon often brings the most useful fruits ’ s transformation in the direction of the best. What is the direction – the best? Of course, the one in which our children will grow up happy and successful people.
Shame – is negative, the painful experience of some action or quality as a socially censured. “what I have done – bad. Anyone who says that it is bad. You can’t do”. The conclusion is obvious: “I’m bad”. At the time of this shame of man (any man at all, a child in particular) feel their separateness, alienation from others – from the society, the world, mom and dad (they are something like this “bad” do not! With them, all right!) Here is a good example of a reinforcement existential “I disadvantaged – You safe” and this, as we have said, is not the same installation, with which it lives and operates a successful person). But how can that be? Raising children “without shame and conscience”. – is troubled someone. And in answering this question, let us think about what a shame – in a broad sense, in society, for which they usually use and why he so desperately holding on, even knowing how this unpleasant phenomenon?
Usually people despise children in order thus to impart to them knowledge about what is accepted in society and what is not, what is permissible and what is exposed to the censure – and the calculation is that the child, having all these rules and following them, grow socially successful person. I.e. the goal, and the goal is definitely valuable – to grow socially prosperous, successful person.
However, we understand that the development as such, and including personal, based on the fact that, as a rule, there are more effective ways of reaching your goals – and these methods need to master. So it is here. There are better ways to raise a successful child, than shame. Especially considering all the “side effects” of shame and that shame, that is inclined to be ashamed of people rarely achieve success in life, fulfillment, and a high position.
How so? It would seem to be the opposite. But no. We have said that the feeling of shame – a direct prerequisite for installation “I disadvantaged – You safe”. Now let’s imagine a person who, for the most part guided by this setting. Options can be any number, but the overall structure is clear: the imagination draws some “celebration of life” – and standing alone on the sidelines of a man who dressed and “wrong”, and posture he stooped, and generally he seemed to himself a little shy – Yes, she’s ashamed! Sense of self “inferiority” forces him to hide out – or to curry favor with others, those who are prosperous . constantly and vainly to find their location and confirmation: and suddenly I’m not so bad?
Attention, question: someone wants to see in the role of this person is his son or daughter?
Unlikely.
Most likely, parents who teach children to be ashamed of, think about something else: about the need to teach him how to behave in society, to educate the “decent” man, to protect from all sorts of temptations (especially girls)… And – perhaps – how would themselves not to be ashamed of their child. The last argument we generally omit for full absurdist (with the understanding that the person in childhood taught to be ashamed of, then you can even ashamed of what is to be proud of – including their children with their qualities and actions).
And about the first to say that “method” of course, sometimes gives results, but only sometimes, and almost always gives a lot of trouble.
Shame in the first place associated with the body. The body and the natural body of administration and the needs perceived to be “dirty”, what you need to conceal and hide – for the simple reason that it is bad. A priori bad, without any further explanation.
Now imagine an adult person who is suffering so deeply sewn attitude. And imagine his sex life. It’s a shock! Nightmare! To undress in front of someone? Only with the lights off, or eyes closed tight! And then…
Sometimes in this situation, people begin to attribute everything to complexes or “objective” of the imperfection of the body. And the race begins to find ideal: diet, fitness, more diets – and the perfection which is printed on the cover of magazines and in the movies, still no. There is a despair, decline – and then a new round of racing. Not only satisfaction with the result.
A strict ban on “corporal” often, even more often, resulting in various kinds of sexual disorders: decreased potency in men, women libido and even infertility. And statistics is that becomes the “easier” to declare that it all – in the limits of the rules (“age, environment, stress at work – what do you want?!”), than be aware that there is something unnatural. Meanwhile, in nature everything is provided, perhaps in some other way.
It is important to understand that a child – being very open, with an open mind. His unconscious perceives the words and nonverbal messages parents very literally. Quite literally. Sometimes – bookvalue nowhere. And then get a completely inflexible restrictions: don’t ever do it, never show your face naked, don’t you ever touch yourself there, this is just too impossible never!
And then it turns out that people have grown up long ago, he’s an adult. self, and he wants to love, wants a family, their children – but just the same, too, goes, “never” – and if the obstacle is a deep shame is overcome, it is the way of loneliness. and frankly violent . Or you’ve never seen a young man who hesitates to go on the street to the girl you like? Or the girl who as if deliberately hides its beauty and “on approach” knocks down all attempts of flirting?
You need to bear in mind that physical law “force equal and opposite reaction” has its psychological application, and more than condemn the behavior, the more stronger part of the person responsible for this behavior. And then – it can either be crushed (from time to time, of course), or at some point will break free and do not wish to give up their positions. Why people so easily, the extremes, then go to the other extreme. And those who were taught to be shy and reserved, begin at some point to do things that simply amazed.
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